My Evolution!!

I wrote this op-ed piece for a local paper.  It was the first piece I've had the privilege to have run.  I love writing and sharing my thoughts.  Since this piece was created I've been blessed with another beautiful daughter and excited to share the lesson she taught me.

Evolution by its own definition “is the process by which different kinds of organisms are thought to have developed.”

My evolution began in March 2008.  I had been told since I was seventeen I would never have children of my own as I was unable to carry a child to full term.  I remember it as if it were yesterday; looking at this funny looking doctor with a bow-tie and saying to him that if God chose me to be a mother then it will be.  Of course I had no idea how my life would change in ten years.

My evolution began in March and my life started on December 13, 2008 at 12:20 AM.  It came in this pink package of 6 lbs 5 ounces and 19 ¾ inches long.  Now for those of you who know who I am you are filled with some confusion.  “You’re thirty-four how did your life begin seven years ago?”  Well it is quite simple, that’s the day God decided to allow me to be a mother. 

How many times as a child did your parents say to you, “I brought you in this world and I can take you out?”  Or how about, “I gave you life?”  I’m sure each and every one of you has heard one or both of these statements before or something quite similar.  Well alright Mom & Dad if you are going to be technical about it then yes I suppose you did!  Well I’m here to tell you that you parents have been lying to you for years.  The truth is you gave them life.  That’s right we don’t give our children life, they give us life!!  The problem is that this is something you never fully understand until you become a parent yourself. 

Sometimes I feel as if I have this unhealthy obsession with my daughter.  Maybe that is because of my childhood but I am constantly told it is perfectly natural and if I didn’t feel the way I did then there is something wrong with me.  My life is just not complete without her.  I find myself missing her greatly when she is not here.  Well let’s just be honest when she isn’t with me whether it’s school or family or her father’s house I’m downright miserable.  I don’t enjoy activities anymore unless I can share them with her.  I find myself thinking “Awe she would have so much fun if she were here right now.”  I cannot recall the exact day and time; what I do remember is having this epiphany.  Almost as if someone had hit me with a brick in the head.  It was all so clear.  I had never truly experienced life until God gave me her.  Reflecting on the last seven years I start to see evolution and life. 

The one and only thought that crossed my mind was her.  She pushes me to not only be a better person but to be the best that I can be no matter what I do.  As parents it is our internal unspoken goal to always be better than the parents we had.  Now I’m not saying our parents were bad, I’m saying that no matter what type of life you thought you had growing up you want better for your children.  (Evolution!) 

I remember when I found out I was pregnant. Whew boy ole boy!!  I think I cried for three days straight.  I barely had a roof over my head and food in my apartment how in the world was I going to provide for another living being and I couldn’t consistently provide for myself.  I was literally petrified.  I knew I was going to screw up.  My life growing up was so messed up and I just knew I would fail her or damage her.  How could I give this child the proper life when I never had a proper life myself?

What I knew was this, I believed in God and I believed he would provide a way.  I constantly reminded myself that God protects babies and fools.  I started to evolve.  Well, God started to evolve me.  I’m not sure where the meals came from but he made sure that I had them.  Next thing He did was set me up to start gaining my professional footing.  He took me from my studio apartment to a one bedroom and finally to a two bedroom apartment.  We are still working on the house, but I know He will lead me there in his time.  (Evolution!)

Every decision I have made since she was born has been made with her best interest at hand.  I’m constantly asking how this decision will affect her, her quality of life.  If the answer is not for her best interest then it something that is not done.  God has left her in my care until he says otherwise and I will continue to protect her at all cost and do what is best for her.

If there is anything that I can leave you with is that evolution doesn’t come without constant evolving.  It is something that is truly never completed.  Embrace your evolution!!  Embrace the life that your child(ren) has given you for you would not truly live without them.

 

Side message:  My beautiful princess if you ever read this I want you to know I loved you before I ever met you.  There is no higher honor than to be known as your mother.  There is no greater gift I have ever received in my life other than you.  I will always stand behind you encouraging you and pushing you to be the best and I will always fully support you.    Thank you for helping shape me into the woman I am and the woman I will become later in life.  Keep your faith; God will always be there; even when it seems He isn’t.  Stay grounded.  I cannot wait to see who God evolves you into.  Love always, Mom!